“A photograph is a secret about a secret. The more it tells you the less you know.”

Been doing a lot of thinking today about comparisons. It's so often that we compare ourselves to others. The thing that I've been thinking about is why we compare things that we can't change.

A few weeks ago I had the unfortunate situation of the person that my boyfriend spent a considerable amount of his life with popping into my world. A tiny little pop that made a crash the size of a sonic boom into my minds eye. I attempted to make the ick feelings go away by discussing it and it helped for about a half a second. One photo. That's all it took.

And now...this is where I sit. I'm having the best morning that I have had in ages and then all the sudden, there it is again. In my face, in my head, in my mind...it won't go away. I made the mistake of looking at it again. New photo, new thoughts.

Blond, blue eyed, perfect. Decent taste in music. Loves her kids. That's really all I know. But those few things make my brain reel. Does she cook better? Does she sing beautifully? Is she better in bed?... cause she is certainly skinnier and prettier. Is she smarter than me? What does she do with her spare time? Did he tell her he loved her everyday? Did they talk about dreams and hopes and what they wanted the future to look like? Was she as pretty when she was pregnant with their children? Does she smoke? Cause I do and he doesn't and I don't think he likes it much. What kind of drunk is she cause I'm obnoxious and loud. Does she have lots of friends? What is her favorite flower and did he send them to her all the time? Does she buy her makeup at the drugstore...yuck! Did she put the effort into things that I do? Did she put more effort into things than I do?

Comparisons. Instead of remembering that I am smart and really funny and I look cute in hats and I dont have any scary wrinkles yet and that I have more varied taste in music than anyone I know and that I have that one bra that looks great, I think things like above.

And I will never be those things. I will never be blonde, blue eyed and perfect. I will be flawed with the marks of my past and the life that I've chosen to live. I will forever have the scars that have shaped my world. I will forever have red crazy curly hair and hazel colored eyes and pale skin and slightly crooked teeth and imperfection. Why the comparisons...there is nothing that will ever change what I am.

And the more that I've thought about it, I've half figured it out. Cause I have never heard what it is that he actually likes about me. Once there was a brief conversation that went like this-

Me to cord that was wrapped around my leg- "Why are you attached to me?!?!"
Him as a joke: "Cause of your personality."
Me: "what?"
Him: "You asked why I was attached to you. Your personality."

Not really what a girl ever wants to hear. It rings to close to the old when you are trying to set up a friend with someone- "Well, she's ok looking but she has a GREAT personality!" It means she's ugly but at some point someone else desperate will take her on cause she's got an ok personality. Because your beautiful and funny and awesome, it was not.

So, in my mind all these comparisons come from me trying to logic out what makes me better. I have to find a way to do it myself. Otherwise I will find myself drowning in the deep end of the pool of self esteem issues that no one ever should need to feel. I guess I came to the conclusion that if no one is going to tell you what they like about you- you have to try to find a way to like things about you, yourself.

So, today I am telling myself that I like myself because I can adjust to situations very easily. I faced a difficult situation last night and adapted to it seemlessly. Each day when those thoughts creep up on me, I'm gonna try and find one thing that I think might be different about us that I like about me better. And know that if that's what I have to do to get thru the day- then so be it.