Who I Am-

Who I Am-

So, a little over a year ago, I was on tour with Nick Jonas in support of his solo record. I had some friends that came to one of the shows. Some friends that I had met thru other Jonas shows. So, when I say that- take it to mean they wanted to talk about the Jonas Brothers. One of them asked me a question that struck me as strange but I started to answer it. She asked me to describe Who I Am. That was the name of Nick's solo record, btw ;) I started answering with a list of all the things that I do. Then something happened that stopped me. I realized I was answering with what I thought people wanted to hear which was some impressive resume of places I have been, things that I do for work and people I have worked for...not really at all Who I Am.

It gave me something that I have been thinking about since then and adding to here and there into a list. That's one component of Who I Am- someone who makes lists constantly.

This is Who I Am

My names Misty Dawn cause I was born on a rainy morning. My dad was very sick when I was warming up in the little bun oven. They didn't have time to sit and worry about silly things like names for me. So, when I popped out it happened to be 6am and raining outside. They looked out the window and my dad said it was a beautiful Rainy Morning. Thus, I am Misty Dawn.

I am from a very small town in the middle of Kansas. My whole life I dreamed of getting out. I never wanted to go to college and get a boring job and settle down. I wanted to live somewhere that was big with lots of lights and houses with high ceiling and chandeliers. I wanted stores that were open all night and bars that didn't close till dawn. I wanted glitter and things that were glossy. As I got older and more damaged, I began to see the beauty in things that were run down and dirtier. So, I ended up in Los Angeles- the best of both of things. I am run down and dirty and glittery and glossy.

I am from a broken up, dysfunctional family. My dad died when I was 10 months old before I even knew him. My mom has an extremely large family that has had their fair share of feuds, fights and family disasters. My mom remarried someone who didn't deserve to have a pet mouse, let alone a family. I learned at age 5 how to unlock the front door with my latchkey around my neck. I learned at age 6 how to cook for myself. I learned at age 7 how to read books that grown ups read. I learned at age 8 how to cry quietly so no one heard you. I learned at age 9 how to lock myself in the car outside so I didn't have to listen to the fighting. I learned at age 10 how to get up in the middle of the night and turn off the tv because someone passed out in front of it again. I learned at age 11 how to run away. I learned at age 12 how everything can change overnight and your world can be turned upside down and inside out. I learned all along how to be independent because there is no one that you can really rely on. I learned also all along that most people will leave. People aren't meant to stay forever. People die and go away, people don't like you anymore so they go away, people get tired of the fighting so they go away and sometimes people just get bored so they go away. I am dysfunctional.

I am a classic case of ADHD. I have long known the fear of not being able to focus on things people are saying to you or not understanding them because you can't play attention long enough for them to finish. I grew up with a brain that seemed to constantly be at work. When most people laid down at night to sleep, I laid in bed with my eyes wide open worrying about the weirdest things you could imagine. I thought about what would happen if my mom died. I thought about what would happen if our house caught fire. I thought about what would happen if maybe someday he just didn't come home from work. I thought about what it was going to be like when we moved away and I lost all my friends. I thought about if lepricauns were real. I thought about if there was really a place like Jurassic Park. I thought about what it would be like to be friends with Madonna. I thought about if we had enough milk for cereal in the morning or if I was going to have to get up extra early and make toast or if we had break for that even. And when I got done thinking about all those things, most the time the sun was coming up and it was time for me to get up and cook myself breakfast. I am my ability to not focus or shut off.

I am a hopeless romantic. Despite what I watched growing up, I live with the thought that it's still possible at some point in my life for me to know what stability and security feel like. That's my idea of hopeless romanticism. Not a prince on a white horse. Not a rich business man that whisks me of to Paris. Not the fairy tale that most people think really exists. Mine is to know that someone isn't just going to go away. Knowing that someone understands the thought that if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't get me at my best either. The idea that someone wants to tell me good morning and good night every day. Someone who wants to hear about the things that happen in my day whether they are mundane and boring or some red carpet event. Someone that will make me feel like I am beautiful, smart and funny and all that they need in the world for things to be good. Someone that won't want to make me cry on purpose but will still be there if I do. Someone that can share awesome things with me when they happen but understand that things aren't always sunshine and puppy dogs. I am still hopeful.

I am the picture of hard work and what it can get you. I didn't take the easy route. I could have but I didn't. I worked harder than most people I know to get where I am. I didn't see a bus until I was 5 years into the touring business. I fucked up and I learned things all on my own. I didn't have a mentor, I didn't have anyone pulling for me for a very, very long time. I slept on floors, I worked odd jobs, I didn't eat, I couldn't pay my rent so I moved out of where I lived. And every time I almost gave up, something happened that made me keep going. And one day, I turned around and looked at all that I had been thru and thanked god that for the most part the struggle was over. And coming from someone who is quite cynical about religion, thanking god is a pretty immense statement for me. I am what getting your hands dirty can get you.

I am someone who understands depression and fear. I can't say that I always know the triggers but I do know what it feels like to be sitting in your bed and feel like a black wave just washed over and you are drowning. I know how hard it is to have to reach a hand up and ask for help. I also know what it's like when you give up so much that you are past the point of help from people around you and needing help from someone else outside the situation. I know what it's like to hide in your closet at the age of 33 in the middle of night, not able to breath from crying so hard and wishing that something would just happen to make it all end. I also know what it's like to wake up the next day and look at the sun outside and to make yourself. Yes, just to make yourself. Make yourself do anything to make yourself not think. I know what it's like to swallow handfuls of pills and follow them up with a whiskey chaser just to see what might happen. I also know what it's like to flush those pills down the drain and pour the bourbon down the kitchen sink. I am a picture of inner demons and struggles and mind over matter.

I am small gestures and grand ones at the same time. I love seeing things and thinking of people they would be perfect for. I love sending postcards to my friends to let them know I am thinking about them. I love buying unique Christmas presents. I love sending an old friend a song in an email that I heard that made them cross my mind. At the same time, I love those things in return. I love getting a giant dinosaur stuffed into a box sent across the ocean cause it reminded me of someone. I love getting cards in the mail and handwritten letters. I love that occasion email with a picture of something that says I couldn't help but think of you when I saw this and it made me miss you. I love the grand gestures of someone booking a flight to come visit. I've realized that those visits are often an escape from life but I am ok with that if it means I get to spend time with the ones I love. I am small and large.

I am passionate. I am strong willed. I am fiercely independent. I fully believe that everything I think is 100% correct, you will not change my mind because I am right and I can do everything by myself. This, of course, is not always the case. But I dare you to try and convince me otherwise. If you are in my life, know fully that it is not because I need you there- it is because I want you there. I am strong willed enough to not have any problem with removing things from my life that are toxic to me. And independent enough to know that I can make it with or without you. Don't get me wrong, for those of you that have somehow broken down a wall or two- I love that you somehow were strong enough to do it...but don't doubt for one second if I think I am being taken advantage of or my feelings don't mean anything to you, I will reconstruct those walls quicker than you can blink your eyes. I am the sum of those walls and an excellent carpenter.

I am also somehow very easily broken. I am insecure just like every other person in this world that has opened themselves up to being vulnerable. Small things break my heart every day. Small words, small actions, forgetfulness, carelessness. For a moment in time, I stop...I breath to recover from the cold rush, close my eyes and start again. Because that's all you can do in life. You can chose to react to every single persons actions that hurt you or you can chose to quickly move past things. I chose the latter because it's a means of self preservation. People that chose to let everything affect them to the core don't make it very far in life. Just because I chose to move past it doesn't mean however that I don't acknowledge it. And remember it. I am broken and glued back together.

I am mean. I am passive aggressive. I am angry sometimes. When I am pushed to the point of breaking, I go for the throat. I attack the innermost insecurities. I have a knack for knowing what might destroy someone at least for a minute. But I also know that this isn't constructive. And is never helpful in the long run. I learned very early on from listening to adults in my life fight with each other that it might make you feel better for a minute, but it will come back to haunt you. But just like everyone else, I have my moments of weakness. Sometimes you need to be make someone else hurt for a minute to make yourself ok. No, it's not right but it's life. I have learned the power of an honest apology many times over. I am human.

I am karma. I know the pain of being a not so great person and having it all come back to get you. I also know the joy of doing something nice just for the sheer happiness it can bring. I have been on both sides of the coin more times than I care to count. I know that things can happen instantly like saying something mean about someone and then slamming your finger in a drawer. I also know what it's like to hurt someone and years later have someone hurt you the same way. Whether it's instant or takes an eternity...everything comes back to you. I am life cycles.

I am a child. I like the idea of rainbows and unicorns and dinosaurs and wizards and puppy dogs. It's because my childhood was spent being the adult. For lack of better ways to put it, I was the mom while my mom was fighting like a child for what she believed was hers. So, while most kids were watching cartoons, I was trying to escape into books like Grimm's Fairy Tales. I have known the black and white sides of life for too long. Sometimes its so nice to believe in the gray. It's nice to think that there are other things out there that we don't understand and never will. It's nice to be able to escape from reality. It's nice to watch a movie about a kid that gets rescued from his hard life and gets to do cool things while fighting off all the bad guys. It's fun to think that a long time ago Noah didn't like the horns so he left the unicorns off the ark. It's cool to read about what the earth was like when we hadn't ruined it and animals as big as skyscrapers lived on it. It's nice every now and then to think about how things aren't. I am 5 again.

I am me. I am the sum of all my success and failures. And I have had my fair share of both. I am someone that tries to learn from everything that happens to me. Whether it be while it's happening or after the fact when you need to figure it out to be able to keep breathing. I am trying to learn to be logical and view things from others standpoints. I am trying to understand that even if someone else is smiling, they might be hurting inside. I am trying to learn that always saying "I'm fine" isn't the right answer. I am trying to teach myself everyday to be good to the people around me and to the place I live and the planet I get to live on. I am trying to learn that not everyone is the same and people tick in different ways. I am trying to learn how to give people grace. I am also trying to learn how to stand up for what I think i deserve and express it properly. I am learning more everyday.

That is Who I Am.

Those girls were happy to hear about what I do, who I know and where I've been. Guess I wasn't ready to really talk about Who I Am, but I also don't think most people really want to know the real answer when they ask.

--mr