Who I Am-

Who I Am-

So, a little over a year ago, I was on tour with Nick Jonas in support of his solo record. I had some friends that came to one of the shows. Some friends that I had met thru other Jonas shows. So, when I say that- take it to mean they wanted to talk about the Jonas Brothers. One of them asked me a question that struck me as strange but I started to answer it. She asked me to describe Who I Am. That was the name of Nick's solo record, btw ;) I started answering with a list of all the things that I do. Then something happened that stopped me. I realized I was answering with what I thought people wanted to hear which was some impressive resume of places I have been, things that I do for work and people I have worked for...not really at all Who I Am.

It gave me something that I have been thinking about since then and adding to here and there into a list. That's one component of Who I Am- someone who makes lists constantly.

This is Who I Am

My names Misty Dawn cause I was born on a rainy morning. My dad was very sick when I was warming up in the little bun oven. They didn't have time to sit and worry about silly things like names for me. So, when I popped out it happened to be 6am and raining outside. They looked out the window and my dad said it was a beautiful Rainy Morning. Thus, I am Misty Dawn.

I am from a very small town in the middle of Kansas. My whole life I dreamed of getting out. I never wanted to go to college and get a boring job and settle down. I wanted to live somewhere that was big with lots of lights and houses with high ceiling and chandeliers. I wanted stores that were open all night and bars that didn't close till dawn. I wanted glitter and things that were glossy. As I got older and more damaged, I began to see the beauty in things that were run down and dirtier. So, I ended up in Los Angeles- the best of both of things. I am run down and dirty and glittery and glossy.

I am from a broken up, dysfunctional family. My dad died when I was 10 months old before I even knew him. My mom has an extremely large family that has had their fair share of feuds, fights and family disasters. My mom remarried someone who didn't deserve to have a pet mouse, let alone a family. I learned at age 5 how to unlock the front door with my latchkey around my neck. I learned at age 6 how to cook for myself. I learned at age 7 how to read books that grown ups read. I learned at age 8 how to cry quietly so no one heard you. I learned at age 9 how to lock myself in the car outside so I didn't have to listen to the fighting. I learned at age 10 how to get up in the middle of the night and turn off the tv because someone passed out in front of it again. I learned at age 11 how to run away. I learned at age 12 how everything can change overnight and your world can be turned upside down and inside out. I learned all along how to be independent because there is no one that you can really rely on. I learned also all along that most people will leave. People aren't meant to stay forever. People die and go away, people don't like you anymore so they go away, people get tired of the fighting so they go away and sometimes people just get bored so they go away. I am dysfunctional.

I am a classic case of ADHD. I have long known the fear of not being able to focus on things people are saying to you or not understanding them because you can't play attention long enough for them to finish. I grew up with a brain that seemed to constantly be at work. When most people laid down at night to sleep, I laid in bed with my eyes wide open worrying about the weirdest things you could imagine. I thought about what would happen if my mom died. I thought about what would happen if our house caught fire. I thought about what would happen if maybe someday he just didn't come home from work. I thought about what it was going to be like when we moved away and I lost all my friends. I thought about if lepricauns were real. I thought about if there was really a place like Jurassic Park. I thought about what it would be like to be friends with Madonna. I thought about if we had enough milk for cereal in the morning or if I was going to have to get up extra early and make toast or if we had break for that even. And when I got done thinking about all those things, most the time the sun was coming up and it was time for me to get up and cook myself breakfast. I am my ability to not focus or shut off.

I am a hopeless romantic. Despite what I watched growing up, I live with the thought that it's still possible at some point in my life for me to know what stability and security feel like. That's my idea of hopeless romanticism. Not a prince on a white horse. Not a rich business man that whisks me of to Paris. Not the fairy tale that most people think really exists. Mine is to know that someone isn't just going to go away. Knowing that someone understands the thought that if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't get me at my best either. The idea that someone wants to tell me good morning and good night every day. Someone who wants to hear about the things that happen in my day whether they are mundane and boring or some red carpet event. Someone that will make me feel like I am beautiful, smart and funny and all that they need in the world for things to be good. Someone that won't want to make me cry on purpose but will still be there if I do. Someone that can share awesome things with me when they happen but understand that things aren't always sunshine and puppy dogs. I am still hopeful.

I am the picture of hard work and what it can get you. I didn't take the easy route. I could have but I didn't. I worked harder than most people I know to get where I am. I didn't see a bus until I was 5 years into the touring business. I fucked up and I learned things all on my own. I didn't have a mentor, I didn't have anyone pulling for me for a very, very long time. I slept on floors, I worked odd jobs, I didn't eat, I couldn't pay my rent so I moved out of where I lived. And every time I almost gave up, something happened that made me keep going. And one day, I turned around and looked at all that I had been thru and thanked god that for the most part the struggle was over. And coming from someone who is quite cynical about religion, thanking god is a pretty immense statement for me. I am what getting your hands dirty can get you.

I am someone who understands depression and fear. I can't say that I always know the triggers but I do know what it feels like to be sitting in your bed and feel like a black wave just washed over and you are drowning. I know how hard it is to have to reach a hand up and ask for help. I also know what it's like when you give up so much that you are past the point of help from people around you and needing help from someone else outside the situation. I know what it's like to hide in your closet at the age of 33 in the middle of night, not able to breath from crying so hard and wishing that something would just happen to make it all end. I also know what it's like to wake up the next day and look at the sun outside and to make yourself. Yes, just to make yourself. Make yourself do anything to make yourself not think. I know what it's like to swallow handfuls of pills and follow them up with a whiskey chaser just to see what might happen. I also know what it's like to flush those pills down the drain and pour the bourbon down the kitchen sink. I am a picture of inner demons and struggles and mind over matter.

I am small gestures and grand ones at the same time. I love seeing things and thinking of people they would be perfect for. I love sending postcards to my friends to let them know I am thinking about them. I love buying unique Christmas presents. I love sending an old friend a song in an email that I heard that made them cross my mind. At the same time, I love those things in return. I love getting a giant dinosaur stuffed into a box sent across the ocean cause it reminded me of someone. I love getting cards in the mail and handwritten letters. I love that occasion email with a picture of something that says I couldn't help but think of you when I saw this and it made me miss you. I love the grand gestures of someone booking a flight to come visit. I've realized that those visits are often an escape from life but I am ok with that if it means I get to spend time with the ones I love. I am small and large.

I am passionate. I am strong willed. I am fiercely independent. I fully believe that everything I think is 100% correct, you will not change my mind because I am right and I can do everything by myself. This, of course, is not always the case. But I dare you to try and convince me otherwise. If you are in my life, know fully that it is not because I need you there- it is because I want you there. I am strong willed enough to not have any problem with removing things from my life that are toxic to me. And independent enough to know that I can make it with or without you. Don't get me wrong, for those of you that have somehow broken down a wall or two- I love that you somehow were strong enough to do it...but don't doubt for one second if I think I am being taken advantage of or my feelings don't mean anything to you, I will reconstruct those walls quicker than you can blink your eyes. I am the sum of those walls and an excellent carpenter.

I am also somehow very easily broken. I am insecure just like every other person in this world that has opened themselves up to being vulnerable. Small things break my heart every day. Small words, small actions, forgetfulness, carelessness. For a moment in time, I stop...I breath to recover from the cold rush, close my eyes and start again. Because that's all you can do in life. You can chose to react to every single persons actions that hurt you or you can chose to quickly move past things. I chose the latter because it's a means of self preservation. People that chose to let everything affect them to the core don't make it very far in life. Just because I chose to move past it doesn't mean however that I don't acknowledge it. And remember it. I am broken and glued back together.

I am mean. I am passive aggressive. I am angry sometimes. When I am pushed to the point of breaking, I go for the throat. I attack the innermost insecurities. I have a knack for knowing what might destroy someone at least for a minute. But I also know that this isn't constructive. And is never helpful in the long run. I learned very early on from listening to adults in my life fight with each other that it might make you feel better for a minute, but it will come back to haunt you. But just like everyone else, I have my moments of weakness. Sometimes you need to be make someone else hurt for a minute to make yourself ok. No, it's not right but it's life. I have learned the power of an honest apology many times over. I am human.

I am karma. I know the pain of being a not so great person and having it all come back to get you. I also know the joy of doing something nice just for the sheer happiness it can bring. I have been on both sides of the coin more times than I care to count. I know that things can happen instantly like saying something mean about someone and then slamming your finger in a drawer. I also know what it's like to hurt someone and years later have someone hurt you the same way. Whether it's instant or takes an eternity...everything comes back to you. I am life cycles.

I am a child. I like the idea of rainbows and unicorns and dinosaurs and wizards and puppy dogs. It's because my childhood was spent being the adult. For lack of better ways to put it, I was the mom while my mom was fighting like a child for what she believed was hers. So, while most kids were watching cartoons, I was trying to escape into books like Grimm's Fairy Tales. I have known the black and white sides of life for too long. Sometimes its so nice to believe in the gray. It's nice to think that there are other things out there that we don't understand and never will. It's nice to be able to escape from reality. It's nice to watch a movie about a kid that gets rescued from his hard life and gets to do cool things while fighting off all the bad guys. It's fun to think that a long time ago Noah didn't like the horns so he left the unicorns off the ark. It's cool to read about what the earth was like when we hadn't ruined it and animals as big as skyscrapers lived on it. It's nice every now and then to think about how things aren't. I am 5 again.

I am me. I am the sum of all my success and failures. And I have had my fair share of both. I am someone that tries to learn from everything that happens to me. Whether it be while it's happening or after the fact when you need to figure it out to be able to keep breathing. I am trying to learn to be logical and view things from others standpoints. I am trying to understand that even if someone else is smiling, they might be hurting inside. I am trying to learn that always saying "I'm fine" isn't the right answer. I am trying to teach myself everyday to be good to the people around me and to the place I live and the planet I get to live on. I am trying to learn that not everyone is the same and people tick in different ways. I am trying to learn how to give people grace. I am also trying to learn how to stand up for what I think i deserve and express it properly. I am learning more everyday.

That is Who I Am.

Those girls were happy to hear about what I do, who I know and where I've been. Guess I wasn't ready to really talk about Who I Am, but I also don't think most people really want to know the real answer when they ask.

--mr

Another Forever Favorite

Different Tone. Amazing how a punk rock song can be turned into something totally different-

Forever Favorite

Holding Patterns

A person that lives in their past is most likely missing out on all of the wonderful things in their present and their future.

Guess a person that lives with their past is even worse off.

Or I guess I just don't understand. One of the many things that just don't make sense in this equation.

But then again, me understanding has never been something that mattered. As long as everyone else is content with what they need and want.

Just comes down to my wants and needs coming in last place. And my future being put on hold while everyone else gets their now.

Holding patterns, just a way of life...or just a means to an end?

Tug o War-

Tug of War
by Fion Lim


Have your heart ever been tugged at both ends?

One end is logically informing you of all the facts and negative aspects,
While the other end is quietly persuading you to have more faith.
The logical and collected end seems to be winning and convincing,
As if letting go is the best decision ever,
While the quiet and pleading end continues to urge you to look again,
As if letting go will be a chance lost forever.

The facts are glaring and pessimistic,
And you are fearful and worried.
Your hope is tiny and yet persistent,
Making you wonder if there could be another possibility.
Most of the facts points out to a disappointing and gleam future,
And yet a small part within you glows with the promise of a gem.

If only all of it is rotten and can be thrown away without hesitation,
But life has a way of challenging you and your beliefs,
Posing you dilemmas and mysteries for you to deal with.

Do you drop it believing that it is for the best?
Or do you hold on believing that it will turn out for the best?
Do you cave in to others' opinions and beliefs?
Or do you cling to your own uncertainty and remain true to yourself?
What if your logical end tell you to lose heart and let go now?
And yet your quiet end continues to want to hold on a while longer?

Do you listen to the kind intentions of your friends,
Thinking and agreeing with them that they know the best for you?
Or do you shut up your deafening inner mind chatter,
And search for that the answer that lies within your heart?
You recall that people always seem to know what is best for you,
And many times they proved themselves right.
But what about being true to yourself and listening to your own heart,
And finding out for yourself what works for you and what makes you tick?

Look carefully,
It is not a tug of war of your heart as you first thought,
It is a tug of war between your mind and your heart,
Do not let yourself be fooled.

Joyce and I rule. or suck...we can't decide.

“A photograph is a secret about a secret. The more it tells you the less you know.”

Been doing a lot of thinking today about comparisons. It's so often that we compare ourselves to others. The thing that I've been thinking about is why we compare things that we can't change.

A few weeks ago I had the unfortunate situation of the person that my boyfriend spent a considerable amount of his life with popping into my world. A tiny little pop that made a crash the size of a sonic boom into my minds eye. I attempted to make the ick feelings go away by discussing it and it helped for about a half a second. One photo. That's all it took.

And now...this is where I sit. I'm having the best morning that I have had in ages and then all the sudden, there it is again. In my face, in my head, in my mind...it won't go away. I made the mistake of looking at it again. New photo, new thoughts.

Blond, blue eyed, perfect. Decent taste in music. Loves her kids. That's really all I know. But those few things make my brain reel. Does she cook better? Does she sing beautifully? Is she better in bed?... cause she is certainly skinnier and prettier. Is she smarter than me? What does she do with her spare time? Did he tell her he loved her everyday? Did they talk about dreams and hopes and what they wanted the future to look like? Was she as pretty when she was pregnant with their children? Does she smoke? Cause I do and he doesn't and I don't think he likes it much. What kind of drunk is she cause I'm obnoxious and loud. Does she have lots of friends? What is her favorite flower and did he send them to her all the time? Does she buy her makeup at the drugstore...yuck! Did she put the effort into things that I do? Did she put more effort into things than I do?

Comparisons. Instead of remembering that I am smart and really funny and I look cute in hats and I dont have any scary wrinkles yet and that I have more varied taste in music than anyone I know and that I have that one bra that looks great, I think things like above.

And I will never be those things. I will never be blonde, blue eyed and perfect. I will be flawed with the marks of my past and the life that I've chosen to live. I will forever have the scars that have shaped my world. I will forever have red crazy curly hair and hazel colored eyes and pale skin and slightly crooked teeth and imperfection. Why the comparisons...there is nothing that will ever change what I am.

And the more that I've thought about it, I've half figured it out. Cause I have never heard what it is that he actually likes about me. Once there was a brief conversation that went like this-

Me to cord that was wrapped around my leg- "Why are you attached to me?!?!"
Him as a joke: "Cause of your personality."
Me: "what?"
Him: "You asked why I was attached to you. Your personality."

Not really what a girl ever wants to hear. It rings to close to the old when you are trying to set up a friend with someone- "Well, she's ok looking but she has a GREAT personality!" It means she's ugly but at some point someone else desperate will take her on cause she's got an ok personality. Because your beautiful and funny and awesome, it was not.

So, in my mind all these comparisons come from me trying to logic out what makes me better. I have to find a way to do it myself. Otherwise I will find myself drowning in the deep end of the pool of self esteem issues that no one ever should need to feel. I guess I came to the conclusion that if no one is going to tell you what they like about you- you have to try to find a way to like things about you, yourself.

So, today I am telling myself that I like myself because I can adjust to situations very easily. I faced a difficult situation last night and adapted to it seemlessly. Each day when those thoughts creep up on me, I'm gonna try and find one thing that I think might be different about us that I like about me better. And know that if that's what I have to do to get thru the day- then so be it.