Maybe We Can Fix It If We Clean It Up All Day-

4/19/2010

You know, I find myself writing so often about the hurt that comes from relationships. Thought it might be the time to write something a bit different. Don’t get me wrong, it is not how I am feeling right now! Come on, I’m not an optimist. Life has shown me to be the pessimist when it comes to love and it’s gonna take A LOT to change that. But I’m gonna do my best to try and write optimistically from memory. As memory serves me, there is a phase that you go thru that you can’t stop smiling when you meet someone. Let’s talk about that today. Cause I’m tired of the obtuse right now…I just wanna write something that seems straight and narrow.

There is something that I like to include in a lot of my stories called “The Big Fade” The Big Fade is when you realize that you are no longer excited about this new thing in your life and that is truly not the greatest thing to ever happen but just another chapter to add to the book at some point. When TBF begins, it’s a signal to the end.

But what about that part that happens before TBF? What about those butterflies that you get everytime you get an email or text message? What about the smile when you see that he “liked” your status on Facebook that was about him? What about the times when your phone rings and you pray it’s him cause you just want to hear him say “hi” to you? And why can’t that feeling last…or does it? Is it just something that I have not experienced yet in my life. Is that the feeling that people get and keep when they get married and stay that way forever? I like to think that my grandparents never felt TBF.

Here’s a great example. After my most recent trip to Europe I came back and spent a few days in New York City with some friends. I had met someone while I was in Europe but honestly didn’t expect to hear from him again once I hit the other side of the ocean. I will not ever forget the moment. I was with Missy in mid afternoon a few blocks from her apartment. I love Dean and Deluca coffee more than basically anything in life and it is mere blocks from her. We had the coffee’s and were walking thru the store in front of the chocolate section. We were in the process of picking out some chocolate treats to accompany the coffee. My phone beeped and it was a message from EuroMan. It was a response to an extremely silly email that I had sent him that I was not expecting a response to. I stood in the middle of Dean and Deluca, the busiest coffee store in all of NYC and read it. Then I read it to Missy. Then I read it again. I vaguely remember some folks cursing at me as I was obviously in the way. Didn’t care. The smile could not of been wiped from my face. I generally hate NYC. I hate the commotion and hurried craziness and it makes me feel clausterphobic. Missy laughed at me because I literally walked all over the city for the remainder of the day with a goofy ass grin on my face letting her drag me from store to store to store and not once complaining. She said that she liked him for the sole reason that it made her time with me in NYC painless ☺ For probably the rest of my life, I won’t forget that moment. A moment of pure, true happiness with no strings attached to it. He wasn’t asking for anything, he didn’t need anything, he was simply wanting me to know that he was thinking about me and had a great sense of humor about it.

Another memory that I can drag up is the feeling of seeing someone face to face after a long time of not having that option. In my line of work, long distance relationships are the norm. It comes with the territory. I remember flying into LA once and someone waiting for me right at the baggage terminal with nothing but a big smile on his face. That was all I needed. I remember being SO nervous when I walked off the plane and the minute that I saw that smile, I knew it was ok for at least that small moment in time. Keep in mind that one ended in THE HUGE FADE but whatever. I can look back on that moment and remember the happiness that I have for a few seconds.

One of best pre- TBF experiences was a simple phone call. I had met a guy and we had spent a few weeks together in one of the most fun butterfly phases that I can remember. Everything about him was just …fun. So, when the few weeks ended- he went home and I went onto another tour. He called me a few days later. Again I was in NYC, Thanksgiving and my birthday fell on the same day. I woke to my phone ringing at 7am. It was him calling to tell me to get up because there was a big parade on T.V. in my honor and I should go down to 5th Avenue and find it…something called the Misty’s Day Parade aka The Macy’s Day Parade. I remember thinking that it was one of the best phone calls I could of gotten to start my birthday. The butterflies were rampidly running in my mind, stomach and brain. When TBF set in on that one, it sucked a lot. But somehow we salvaged what we had and turned it into the best of friends.

I guess the thing that I question is how to recapture that feeling once you realize that it is gone. I wish there was some elixer like a Love Potion #9 that could just make you feel the butterflies again. I guess more importantly is figuring out why the butterflies leave. If you can do that then maybe you can salvage the relationship. Chances are that the butterflies have left because there is something about that person that you have realized you aren’t ok with. It’s always possible for it to be changed. I mean, realistically, they don’t but stranger things have happened, I suppose. Maybe that’s the key. Maybe you start to notice the butterflies have disappeared the first time you notice something that you can pick on about someone.

I think that I am in the midst of something that can’t even begin to be thought of changing. I think that the person that has been occupying my time is still in love with the former. Or possibly even exploring options with others or maybe he has experienced TBF with me before I did with him. Those things are not something that can be changed or fixed or even compromised. That’s an un-re-butterfly-able flaw. So, I guess this time around I won’t be able to try and figure out the remedy. It will have to wait until the next time I find myself Fading…