State of Love and Trust

5/20/2010

I’ve been reading a book called A Million Tiny Pieces and the beginning is a story about a man that goes to a healer and say “Help me, I am broken in a million tiny pieces.” The Healer tells him that he cannot help him. The man does not understand and asks why he cannot be fixed. The Healer tells him that he is irrepairable. He is broken into a million tiny pieces and there is not a way to glue that back together. He is the unsolvable puzzle. The man walks away disparaged but willing to accept the fact that he is unfixable. I am unable to do that. I believe that there is someone that can help fix me. I take extra effort. I need to know that I am the only and I need that reinforced. The thing that I don’t think can ever be understood is that these are not their faults, they are my own. They come from years of not knowing and not trusting. They come at the hands of many people who cared so little about my feelings and my wellbeing that it left an impressionable mark that cannot be removed. The things that go through my head are because of past experience, not because of anything that the currents have done. When you look at a history of 10 years of bad…and when I say bad, I mean BAD…relationships, it’s tough to just turn around and trust someone with your soul again let alone your heart.

I think in the back of my head that I am being punished. One of my favorite lines from a song is “went to heaven, couldn’t get in. Said, girl your crazy, you were too much fun.” I think that for all the good that has come into my life, I am being punished and restricted from the one thing that I truly need or want. That feeling of security that only another person can give you. I’ve given my self the things in my life that I want. And have tried to give myself the things that I think that I need. But something is missing. And you were the puzzle piece that I though would fill it in. But I can’t have you fully. For all the things that I have excessed in, there is that one thing that I can see but cannot touch. You are untouchable- by my own hands. Does anyone understand how hard that is to swallow? Knowing that all you have done for yourself and to yourself makes you unable to have that one thing that you truly want more than anything in the world. I’m not sure if the punishment is for all the good things that I have accomplished or of it is for all the bad that I have done. I don’t know if it’s for the times that I have struggled and pulled myself back up again or for the times that I have drowned myself in whiskey and vodka. I don’t know if it is for the caring manner in which I have treated my friends after they have not always treated me that way or if it’s for the nights that my head was buried in a pile of things 900 different kinds of illegal. I don’t know if it’s some Higher Power telling me that I have made it thru the bad and I can make it through more or telling me that I handled it all wrong and even though I made it through, it wasn’t the right way. I do know that it is only me that I have to blame. Whether it be any of the above reasons or it’s not punishment at all and just a way of something telling me that I still have more learning to do- it is at my own hands.

I wonder if I am one of the broken and irrepairable. I have thought that over the past few years I have learned so much about myself and remedied so many things that were not the best way to live life. But I am slowly realizing that all the things I remedied were things that took away the true feeling. I had so many substances (legal and illegal) running through my veins that I lived in a blur. So, all that work was spent on clearing up the fog. What I realize now is that without the fog, feelings cut like a warm knife thru the butter that is my brain. I never felt the feelings that I feel now with such clarity. And I don’t know if that is a good thing. Because now, all those years of hurt resurface like an old 80’s hair metal band on their big comeback tour. They creep out of the underworld- long forgotten. At first it seems funny and unreasonable. Then the more you start thinking about it, the more you start hearing their old songs on the radio station. That radio station is my brain. Those old wounds pop up constantly once they’ve surfaced. They come back with a vengence popping into my head at the strangest of times. That old hair metal band is there for a bit and then comes the big explosion. In my world that’s usually a big fight of some kind. And then without a word- they’re gone. Off the map again. For the poor 80’s band, they are off the map because they didn’t learn a damn thing the first time around. The same can be said for me.

“State of Love and Trust is busted down to pretense…”

So, what it comes down to is that whether it is punishment of some kind or old wounds, it’s not fair to me to be taken down in the process. All my shortcomings overtake my mind and my mind isn’t strong enough to keep these thoughts out of my head. I actually bought a ridiculously expensive painting that has that phrase on it. My mind has never been strong enough to keep these thoughts out and I guess that it works overtime when it’s in the midst of a “relationship”. I think it’s the first time that my brain has ever worked overtime instead of on a half charged basis. I wish that I knew what I had done years and years ago to cause my being to be afflicted with this. Why did I end up one of the chosen ones? Was it someone up above that guessed the minute that I popped out into this world that I was strong enough to handle this, if so I wish they would take it back because I’m tired of it. It hurts and it’s getting old. I think that at some point after all this I deserve a few moments of happiness. And I have my moments that I wish that if I wasn’t going to get that, that it would just be over with cause fighting it is getting old and I’m not so sure that I’m up for the struggle anymore. If it’s never going to pass then I want to know that for sure so I can move on with the thought that it’s a never-ending battle.

I wonder if there will ever be a point that my “me” will work on a regular basis. And if and when it does and this punishment for all that I have become ends, will there be anyone left? And will the person that is left be the one that gets me a reduced sentence or will it be something that I do that gets me out of this. Cause god knows, I’m tired of trying to figure out what else there is to make me tick correctly.

Hey baby, do you ask yourself sometimes what you need to be forgiven? Cause I know I do.

Is everything that you have ever done wrong, the reason that I’m forgiven or is everything that I have ever done wrong, the reason that I am driven?