Valentines Day

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Always something there to remind me...
So, they say that you have one great love in your life. I have been doing a lot of thinking on this subject lately. Not sure why, I'm blaming it on Jill. I think I have had entirely too much time on my hands. This is a long one and if you make it all the way though, let me know...I'll give you a cookie. I think I have had 16. Or somewhere along those lines. Is it wrong that I look back on past relationships and there is still something about each of them that makes me smile or makes my stomach quiver? I guess I am too good at saying goodbye to people and being okay with it being goodbye because I have learned something about what I like or what I don't in love from them. I still look back at all of them as somewhat "loves." Let's take a brief history lesson. 2nd grade- Ryan Rubick. I loved him. No really. So much so that I threw rocks at him when he pushed me off the jungle gym at recess. We were so in love that we refused to give each other valentines cause that was "gross!" But somewhere down deep I know we were on the same wavelength cause we shared fingerpaints and he let me use his green cause mine was all dried up. That's true love. I look back and think about how that has affected my viewpoint on sharing when you're in love. I still like to share and boys to share their stuff with me. It shows me that they care enough to give me something of theirs. And Ryan is married with 2 kids and shares his stuff with someone else and I love that. 8th grade- Kurt Woods. He called me after a football game and told me I looked cute in my cheerleading uniform and he was glad he didn't play football and was in the band instead cause that meant he could watch me. He then started telling me riddles out of a book alphabetically and when he got to "W" asked - "would you go out with me?" I still like cheesy boys that say simple things that make me smile...and boys that don't play football...Kurt is in the army I think, doubt he's reading many riddle books- but last I heard he was doing great. Freshman year- Paul Timberland. We'll call this one attack on the new girl. I was new at school and he was Mr. Wonderful football star with the cool car and the popular friends. A very traumatic. heartbreaking, sneaking out of the house, crying on the front steps- kinda relationship and he left me for another girl in another town after I left a whole lot more with him. He was the first person that made my stomach nervous cause I didn't know from day to day if he was still mine and I would of done anything to keep him as mine. He taught me that I'm not okay being one of many. I want to be the only and that's okay cause that's what I deserve and its not okay to give up anything that you are not comfortable giving up for someone else. He is still living in that small town, drinking at the local bar, going to high school football games. I'm happy he's happy with that life. I always figured he would be. Junior Year- Brian Duke. Thinking about this kid still gives me the most enormous smile in the world. His smile. His smile lit up a room. The most innocent, niave boy I ever dated. Beautiful mind. So much life. About a year of that and I needed more...more of a bad boy, I guess. Plus there was distance. But he taught me that having a childlike side was okay. I remember being tickled till I almost threw up and it being okay to do that again at the age of 17 with someone. He made me remember that it's okay to let walls down with someone cause that's the only way to really know them. He is still the eternal boyscout and always will be. I hope he never grows up..."you can fly, peter!" Senior Year- Jeff Adams. I can't think of much that he taught me except how to avoid a stalker. I guess it can be phrased such as this. Mad, passionate love is good but there are lines to be respected. 16 phone calls a night and breaking into your car stealing your clothes cause they smell like you is not within those lines. So the quivers I get from thinking of him are more shudders but I do remember there being that time when we couldn't leave each others sights because we couldn't stand to be away from each other that long. However feeling change as people change and that's ok. He is married with a couple of kids and never leaves his wifes side, I guess he found that mad, passionate love he was always looking for. Freshman Year of College- Yep, Tom Campa. My freshman algebra professor. Yeah, this one I prolly shouldn't mention but hell, it's been long enough. I remember sneaking into his dorm cause he was an RA and having to hide when people came to the door. I remember the intrigue of all of it...the suspense of when I could get away with it again. I remember thinking how "stealthy" I was when I wanted to be. I learned from him that mystery is fun in a relationship and that secrets aren't always bad if they don't hurt anyone. I learned that playing cat and mouse can be fun, but can get tiresome and is normally not worth it. He is still there, still coaching soccer, still probably fucking around with students, haha. But ya know, that's his MO. I knew it then, I wasn't that dumb. Sophomore year of college- we're gonna skip this phase of life cause I could write a book on it. This encampsulates my marriage and divorce...someday kids, someday I'll be ready for that one. Age 23- 25 are kind of a blur of work, life changing, moving around...there was really no time for men/boys. I'm sure they were there but I don't really remember them, therefore they don't belong in this blog. I take that back. 24 and 25 belonged to a girl. Julie Schaffer. I got divorced and had forgotten what living was. This girl found me in the place we worked and noticed I had lots of music stuff around me and listened to cool tunes at my desk. Soon, we were inseperable. Going to shows nightly, drinking till our guts hurt and sharing the most intimate secrets people have. I remember a brief couple of weeks when we were both super busy, coming home to a coffee cup with lemons and cherries decorating it filled with lemonheads and cherryheads (some of my favorite candies). It had a note in it that said "I'm sorry I've been such a lemon of a friend lately, I still think you're a cherry." Julie taught me the importance of independence yet dependence. We were so close and sometimes forgot that we were still different people. I depended on her so much cause I was used to having someone to depend on. I remember visiting her in the hospital and her crying because she had missed a very important event that I had planned at work. That was Julie, she cared more about other people than herself. I look to that now when I make decisions that affect more than just me. She has since left my life and I miss her small gestures and I do miss depending on her, but I've learned so much about my independence from her. I miss you Jules so very, very much. Age 26- Ryan. We're gonna leave last names outta this cause there are too many people that know him and his now significant other. Wouldn't want to cause any issues. Ryan was a whirlwind. He flew into my life and then flew right back out. In and out on a monthly basis for a while. He traveled, we'll say that. The late night phone calls. The "man, you are sooo different...s" So, on one of his "trips" I told some friends of mine to go meet him. One of them ended up with him that evening and off again/on again dating him for a year. He once again flew out of my life and never really has landed in it again in that capacity. I can look back at this one with somewhat of a smile cause he taught me that living the way I was, I would never get ahead. I have him to thank for me getting into this industry in the correct manner, not taking the easy way out. He is in Chicago with his very pretty girlfriend co-habitating now, cleaning his life up and figuring out where to go with it. I'm proud that I was maybe a small piece of that in the last few months. Great talks at 5am buddy. Age 27- PJ. Now, I know most of you are gonna laugh about this one, cause there's not a lot of positive about it. He's what I refer to as the "Brain Cramp of age 27." But the things I do remember are trying to take care of him. Realizing he was in a bad place with working, family, etc. and trying to make up for all of that. Buying him things, giving him a place to stay, letting him talk to me in a manner no one should ever be talked to and thinking that was okay. Basically he taught me that you cant fix anyone if you are broken yourself like I was. And you really just cant fix anyone period if they don't want to fix themselves. I left and was ecstatic about being alone again...time to fix myself. He is back in KC with a 12 year old girlfriend living on someone's couch, touring occasionally. That brings a smile to my face...it really does, cause that's the life he deserves to live. Age 28- DROUGHT Age 29- I'm gonna let this one remain nameless cause he's on here and he reads this, etc. I met and had a quick whirlwind suckface session every night for a few weeks and then we left each other. Different things pulled us in different directions and I don't think either of us expected more. We still chat on the phone and I got to see him briefly on this tour. He is one of these loves only because of the happiness that he brings due to the no strings attached approach that accompanied him. He taught me that it's okay to not expect things from someone. It's okay to let nature take its course and if it's meant to be someday it might be just as it might not and that is ok too. He is living his dream, loving life and smiling all the time and that makes me smile. Enjoy it LA, you only get to live this life once. So, that concludes the brief history of the loves of my life. So, how can anyone say that you only get one? I know people that consider every person that has crossed their paths as a love. I guess I consider the people that have taught me dramatic life lessons as loves. If I wanted to really get down to it, there are plenty more but these are the memorable ones. The ones that make me reflect on things that have molded the way I am now. Why am I writing this? I am writing this cause of a talk Jill and I had the other day. Learning what you like and want and what you don't like and don't want. Anyone that has been in my life before obviously wasn't the "one." They were just practice and learning but that doesn't take away from the fact that they were important. It's funny to me to think of all the learning I have already done and the fact that there's probably more to come. No matter how old you get, you never stop learning. If you do, it's cause you've just closed your mind. Jill...we should be geniuses by now...you tell that Joshua that it's all a life science lesson. Maybe he can be the last one to teach you...I hope so. Happy Belated Valentines Day loves... Feeling weirdly nostalgic, M