Beautiful Like You-

So, when I was in college I heard this song by the same title. I thought it was such a incredibly simple concept. All my life, like so many millions of other girls, I wished that I looked like someone else. I have out of control curly red hair, boring hazel colored eyes, big hips, a pudgy middle section, fat upper arms and not in a cool muscular Madonna kinda way, calves that are too muscley. I could go on and on and keep picking out things. Here, lemme give it a shot- fat fingers, I think I have a flat ass or one that’s too big- one way or another- it’s no good, flat feet, a torso that’s too short and legs that are even shorter. Yup, knew I could do it!

So, with all these things combined, I wished for so long that I looked like someone else. Someone with long, tall legs and long straight hair. Almond shaped eyes, perky boobs, flat stomach, perfect butt. Hell…even skinny fingers would be ok. I would of taken the opposite of some of those things- ya know that tiny, petite, pert crap even. Whatever it was that I was not is what I wanted. I looked at all my friends and picked out things about them that I wanted. I looked at strangers and cursed them in my head. Thoughts like this have actually crossed my mind- “Why does the ugly girl get to be all skinny?” Amazing, eh? That’s one thing- I’ve never considered myself flat out ugly. Ordinary maybe, but not ugly. Boring, sure but not hideous.

I remember hearing this song and the line that says this- “I wish I was beautiful like you, but that will never be cause I’m beautiful like me…” It was a theory so lost on me at the time. I was so enamoured with the idea that someone had finally hit the nail on the head with the wanting to not be yourself. Do you want to know when I finally realized what the song actually meant?

When I realized that you could wish all day long, every day for the rest of your life to look like someone else and it will never happen. Yep, sorry- one of those weird mysteries of science I suppose. You are you and you are stuck being you. So, you better adjust pretty quick or you are in for a lifetime of wishing and nothing more. I mean, unless you want to be like that weird cat woman who has had like 55 plastic surgeries and now resembles her feline companion…wait, that’s just fucking creepy. How about what’s her name…Heidi Montag. 11 surgeries in less than 3 months. And now she is miserable and hates herself even more. Guess the thought of becoming Frankenstein is frightening to me.

Yes, you can make small adjustments with work if its something like weight. But it’s kind of funny- a lot of people that I have know that have lost considerable amounts of weight still look in the mirror and aren’t happy. I think of it a little like that fun old quote- “Wherever you go, there you are.” Well, guess what- “Whoever you are, there you are.” Works the same way. Sure, I can go to kickboxing classes and tone my butt and upper arms until they look like Madonna but there will always be something else…like what happens when I lose some weight and the butt that I thought was once to big is now flat? What happens if I lose some more weight from my hips and it doesn’t go away in my stomach and then I am one of those perfectly symmetrical round beach ball people in the middle section of my body? Wait…how do I lengthen my torso again? Oh, that’s impossible…well, fuck! My eyes will always be boring hazel and my hair will always be curly and red until it turns grey and then I have something else to complain about. My fingers wont get skinnier even if I diet…it just doesn’t work that way really. P.S. who they hell looks at their hands and picks on those? People that find themselves with too much time to stare in the mirror and a little too much vanity.

Oh, but guess what…even at the end of the day after changing all of those things-

You don’t turn into Megan Fox or Brooklyn Decker or whoever it is that you want to look like.

You are still you.

And you gotta learn to love that. You know what I do love? I do love that occasional good hair day when someone says to me- “You have Sex and The City hair!” or that occasion that someone sees me after a while and says “Wow, you look happy, something seems different?!” and I don’t mention that I’ve had the flu and dropped 5 pounds or even those nights when I try a new eyeshadow on my boring hazel eyes and they look kinda cool in my bathroom mirror…even if they don’t in any other light. I like when I try on a ring and just had my nails done and I can overlook my fat fingers. Or that day that I finally found a pair of skinny jeans that don’t make me cry in the dressing room when I tried them on. Or that cardigan with little flowers embrodiored on it that I can wear over a tank top so that my fat arms don’t show and I can feel like a girl when I go out, not a roadie in a black tshirt and jeans again. You have to find what you do love in the way that you look. And my compromise has been maybe finding things that I love that can make the things that I don’t like about how I look, look better. I know that’s not perfect…but maybe it’s halfway? Halfway is a hell of a lot better than where I started.

I’m waiting for the day that I do measure myself by my compassion, sense of humor and abilities to listen to people rather than in how many pounds I weigh that day but until I get there- I still know that I don’t want to be beautiful like you. Because I bet even Megan Fox has things that she hates about herself (like her stubby, scary midget thumbs) and I’m not gonna lie, I bet that’s an even worse to be. No one expects me to be beautiful.

Beautiful Like You- Joydrop